Regret

[Vamphire]

Looking back, I cannot regret my decision.

-----

Well, to be truthful, I cannot completely regret it, but I still regret it. I still wanted to do it, to finally get a truthful answer from a serious question, but I could not hurt you like that. I know I am important to you, so I could not destroy what we have...

-----

It was a train ride where we talked about ourselves, revealing secrets that we kept hidden in our hearts. We knew that we could trust the other; we had been friends for five years now. Maybe I have not been your friend for as long as that guy but at least I still am your friend while he's being "a -insert stuff-" as you so nicely put it.

But you know, I could never discard you like everyone else could. I see myself in you, despite the different situations we faced. I tried explaining that to you, but I am not certain that you saw the similarities between our childhoods, only the differences. After all, you were completely isolated, while I was only mentally and emotionally isolated. Maybe a lot of a difference, maybe not much at all. But I cannot judge what I have not experienced.

I want to prove my loyalty to you, time and time again. After all, haven't I still talked with you for these years? Haven't I not abandoned you, telling you "thanks for these three years -- I've been using you" like they have? But then again, I can also see how lonely you can be.

You have your writing-video gaming friends. They are my friends as well, but I am not as close with them. So I end up spending time with my Asian friends, talking and laughing while I abandon you to your Caucasian companions.

Do you feel like that is abandonment? ...I hope not.

But I can never judge what I have not experienced.

So many different experiences we have had -- you with your ostracization and mine with an inability to fit in completely. I blended in awkwardly with the system, you barely survived at all.

But still we are so much alike, more than you would ever know.

Though I would never know the experiences that would drive you to so much pain that you would begin to demean yourself, distorting your thinking processes so much that you feel worthless. Mine were caused by intimidation, but they are nothing compared to yours.

And you conclude with a resigned look on your face, that you expect people to let you down, that you can accept it completely when it happens and shut down the pain of the rejection. I remember -- the time the guy broke up with you, you calmly told me that he had cried as he said the words, but you yourself did not mourn the relationship -- and wonder how much further can it go before you completely break inside.

But I am determined to not be the one to break you.

So as I stare at you, your lovely eyes framed within your petite face, those lips I wonder what it would be like to kiss, I know that I would not take this chance to kiss you in the crowded train and try to create something new between us. Because anything that would start between us would end in a few months -- I cannot manage long distance relationships, as my many friendships with out-of-state friends has shown me -- and I cannot be another "painful" memory to you, another boyfriend / girlfriend who left you. I would prefer to remain your friend forever than to test what could be, what could have been.

And do I regret it?

I think I will always regret it.

But I treasure your trust even more.