Can You Tell I'm Confused?

**twilight radish** · 06-30-2010 12:43 PM

"Oh, you mean that queer kid Haite, right?”
That’s all anyone really had to say before I started getting defensive about my… preferences… and then it all went downhill from there. I wasn’t one to use much violence, but sometimes I just couldn’t help it. I mean, I’m not that much of a softie… Everything just started to crumble to pieces. I’d kept it from everyone for so long, and having someone make fun of me for it just made something snap. As word started to get out more, I started thinking. It’s my business in the first place, so no one else should think much of it, right? But in reality, they thought much more about it than I thought they would, or should, for that matter.
I figured it out while on a camping trip my school was having. One night, all of us guys were getting ready for bed in our cabin. After a while, I was still awake on one of the beds’ bottom bunks as the rest of the guys were sleeping in their bunks. I shifted and laid on my right side in bed looking idly in that direction. One of the guys, Kouta was his name, was in my field of vision on the other side of the small room in his bottom bunk. I didn’t know him too well; he was one of those smart kids that kept quiet most of the time. I could’ve sworn I’d made some sort of light gasping sound as I looked at him, but my brain sure as hell didn’t let me hear it. I was more astounded at how fascinated I was with this guy. I mean, he looked absolutely gorgeous just laying there sleeping. His sandy bangs were lying perfectly across his face in the moonlight as he peacefully breathed in and out. But, I realized, why the heck am I thinking about him like this in the first place?! It was wrong, and I knew it. We were both guys and I shouldn’t be thinking about him that way. I should be thinking about sexy girls on the cover of magazines or things other guys my age thought about, although that didn’t stop my nether regions from thinking otherwise…
Even that didn’t stop me from getting out of bed to try and touch his beautiful hair. Even that was a bit wrong. I mean, who does that? Looking back on it, yeah, it was kind of creepy, but geez, it’s not like I was gonna screw the guy or anything. I just needed to have his face closer to mine for a bit. Coincidently, as soon as I got closer to him, he started to wake up. I quickly pretended to be heading to the bathroom as I felt my face start to flush. I sneakily peeked back to where he slept and realized he had only turned in his sleep. I didn’t have any courage left in me to try and get closer to him again.
That was the first time.
The second happened about a year later and, of course, had to do with the same guy. I actually became friends with him while at the camping trip. Of course, he had no idea what happened that night or about what I had felt. Sure, I’d get random butterflies in my stomach when he was around, but for the most part, I ignored it. I couldn’t let him know and I shouldn’t. It was going against what guys normally felt. But, hey, who’s to say I was the least bit normal anymore, right?
I tried to let Kouta know about it indirectly, but he never got it. He just thought we were inseparable best friends. I thought we could be more than that but how awkward would that be to try and explain? I was talking to him one day during study hall and I realized only afterwards that having this kind of conversation in a study hall spelled trouble. Apparently, everyone and their mothers were listening in on us because they were starting to realize at least one of us just had to be gay. (Oh, hey, I actually said the word…) So, we were talking and I started asking him some questions. Y’know, trying to tell him indirectly but to no avail while throwing everything directly out the window for this guy.
Yeah.
“Well, uh, I don’t really know how to say this,” I fumbled, “but have you ever felt really strong about something that didn’t seem right?” I mentally gave myself a palm plant to the face for saying this crap.
“You mean like Romeo and Juliet?” Kouta laughed a bit, like only he could, as I wanted to bury myself. “Do her parents not like you or something?”
I sighed a bit. “No, it’s not like that. It’s completely different than what you’re thinking about. It’s something… more. I guess.”
“Ok then, what is it?”
I realized a group of mostly girls were listening in on our conversation probably looking for some fodder for the rumors and juicy stories. Man, girls were walking gossip fountains. They just spewed it out and never really cared what came out. I’m pretty sure that’s part of the reason why I had started batting for the other team.
“Uh, to tell you the truth,” I lowered my voice and involuntarily leaned closer to Kouta, “I feel kind of… well, I dunno. I just feel different around you…” I slowly backed away from him and let that sentence hang in the air for a bit. I screamed in my head, For the love of all that is chromosomes, hormones, and sexually right in this world, what the hell am I doing?!
I could feel the air around us turn thick with discomfort. “You feel… what?”
An awkward noise between a yelp and a squeak escaped my mouth as I got up from my chair. “F-forget it.”
I almost ran out of the room as the study hall teacher shouted after me and asked where I was going. I could hear Kouta cover for me. His voice sounded a bit off. “He said he didn’t feel too good…”
I feverishly walked to a row of lockers and leaned on one of them with my shoulder. I looked at my hands as they started to tremble. What’ve I gotten myself into now?
And because some higher being looking down upon of me couldn’t get enough of me and my… well, duh, you should know by now… my little dilemma reared its ugly head up to look me straight in the eye once again. Third time’s supposed to be the charm, right?
About a week later, I could tell Kouta was being careful around me; it was almost like he was waiting for something. I had a feeling he could tell something was wrong. My personality drastically changed whenever I was in a ten foot radius of him. I would act really weird in front of him and I was always uncomfortable. Of course, that’d be when I would promptly mentally kick myself when he wasn’t looking. It was getting to be too much, even to the point where just looking at him would make my internal sensors go off.
The gossipers from my study hall spread the word about “the queer kid” to all of their little cliques and soon people from my other classes who had heard about me started making fun of me.
So, Kouta, wanting to know what the heck was wrong with me, (although he brought it up much more nicely than I just did) sat down next to me at lunch and promptly decided to look me straight in the eyes, but not without being gentle about it. But, oh god, his eyes! I mean, really? They didn’t help me one bit and just sucked me deeper into this whole situation. Ugh, I could literally go on for hours about how beautiful they were at that moment. I was about to mentally slap myself across the face but I decided that I’ve caused myself enough harm. Sometimes I thought it would eventually earn me some cheesy little trophy that read, “Most Mental Kicks to the Body Because He Was a Homo.” After realizing that this was the first time I had actually called myself that, (Believe me, that’s not a good thing), Kouta went on to softly look at me until he sighed and asked, “Haite, I kind of… well… do you at least wanna talk about it?”
I swear I almost died right there. I was expecting to explain the whole thing to him right there this time, but he had understood what I had meant. He also hadn’t completely rejected me because of it. I hugged him right there; I couldn’t help it. As I pulled back, Kouta looked like he would end up hugging me back, but he didn’t. He just stared at the floor until he quietly murmured, “Haite, I was… I was thinking of asking a girl out, but, to tell you the truth, I’m just really confused.”
My mind started thinking slower as it processed what Kouta said. But really, what had I been expecting? Or maybe, what had I been hoping? It sure wasn’t this. I was hurting him without even realizing it. Was I being selfish? Had I actually forced him to start feeling at least something for me? Had he liked me this whole time? Did he really want to like me? My thoughts began to speed up as my mind defrosted and I realized that it was hopeless. Kouta just wasn’t going to fall for me as I fell straight onto concrete for him. Desperately trying to hold myself together, my voice cracked a response.
“Go get her, tiger.”
“Hmm… Nah.”
I blinked as Kouta took my hand and pulled me up out of my chair so fast my head spun for a brief moment. Still grasping my hand, he bounded over to the doors that led to the small courtyard right next to the lunchroom and pushed them open with so much force I thought he was mad at me at first. But, seeing as how I was promptly held against the school wall for a really long time, I’m pretty sure that told me otherwise. That, and the fact that it was freezing cold outside and I couldn’t feel it one bit.
“I don’t know what it is,” Kouta said when we came back up to the surface, “but I’ve got a feeling I’ll like you way more than I’ll ever like that girl. Besides, I know you better.”
If there’s a disease where you have too many butterflies in your stomach at once and it makes you almost pass out, I think I’ve got it bad.
We came back inside greeted by the faces of many astonished, freaked out, and smiling classmates. It was all very weird since it had suddenly quieted down. You could tell which classmates approved and those who were disgusted from the way they held themselves as they peered at us walking back to our seats.
I tried really hard to ignore them all, no matter what their reactions were. The only thing my brain would let me whisper to Kouta was, “Why?”
All he said was, “I’m way closer to you then I’ll ever be with that girl, am I right? Besides, I always had this thing for you but was too afraid to man up and tell you already.”
I blinked and then smiled.
The idle chatter soon came back to the lunch room slowly but was quieted down still by a girl who stood up not too far from us and said, “What the hell was that? Do you think you can just make out in front of all of us like that?!”
I decided that I’d take care of this for Kouta’s sake. I stood up with my arms crossed and said back to her with a comic little grin on my face, “Oh, I’m sorry, princess. Was our little make-out session too much for you?” Some of the students laughed. “There’s no reason for a prude little girl like you with a stick up her ass to be so jealous.” I smirked happily as her face burned with embarrassment and she stormed off out of the lunch room.
“Nice one, tiger.” Kouta said quietly, just to me. I smiled as I gathered up some courage.
“Hey, um, you wanna go somewhere this weekend?”
He smiled right back. “I thought you’d never ask.”